Guiding Light Family Services
Curriculum
Self-Control and Self-Discipline 1.0
Communication Training 1.0
Copyright 2014 Jay Klusky, PhD
_____________________________
Self-Control and Self-Discipline 1.0
Ours is a strength-based, skills-based, personalized program. Typically we work with clients on an individual basis in order to meet the client’s specific needs and goals. We begin with a discussion about the client’s situation and our program, assess their motivation, and determine if we are a good fit. If we agree that the fit is appropriate we move to helping our clients establish goals and outcome measures.
Based upon a client’s needs and goals, and the time we have to work, we draw upon a number of tools in order to help our clients develop their capacity for self-control. Once a client demonstrates competency with a tool, where applicable, we work towards helping that client use the tool under stress. These tools are separated into two categories: Internal Tools and External Tools.
Please note, with the exception of “Breathing for Self Control and Relaxation” and “Tai Ji Quan” the tools we use were developed by Dr. James Samuels between 1975 and 1995. “Re-Minding” is his most recent work and has been under development since 2002. Following are some of the tools we have at our disposal.
A word about anger-management – Managing one’s anger is only one facet of demonstrated self-control. We have found focusing on managing anger alone not to be enough in many cases, as the absence of one condition does not necessarily lead to the presence of another. Most often, our clients do better when they have a positive condition for which to strive, a condition which by its very nature precludes the negative condition they are working to replace.
Internal Tools
Exercise: Breathing for Self-Control and Relaxation
Purpose: To develop one’s capacity to remain calm and composed, esp. while under stress.
Overview: Deep breathing has always been a key component in any self-control program. We help our students understand the physiology underlying deep breathing’s calming effect and its role in health.
Procedure: We begin by timing the student’s breath rate. Once this is established, we provide the student information about stress, the autonomic nervous system, and the impact the rate at which we breathe has on the system. Once the student understands we then teach the student how to deep breathe, ensure that the student can successfully do so, and see that the student begins to experience the advantages of breathing in this manner. It is then up to the student to practice and develop their ability.
Exercise: Positioning
Purpose: To develop calm focus, concentration, and presence. To develop one’s capacity to maintain the state
they choose in any situation.
Overview: Akin to “Ki” or “Chi” training, Positioning was originally adapted from the Japanese tradition of Aikido.
(Advanced practitioners can root themselves to the ground so firmly they cannot be moved even by people far bigger and stronger.) Through the exercise students learn to ignore distractions and focus on their task at hand such as calmly putting a child to bed when s/he is out of sorts. Positioning can also have more far-reaching impacts. For example, deciding on a goal can be seen as taking a position. If one’s goal to get a job, there can be many opportunities to be sidetracked along the way. Practicing this exercise can also help one continue pursuing their goal until they are successful.
Procedure: This exercise is a physical, experiential exercise. The student begins seated straight up. The
instructor/coach is standing behind and gently pushed across the student’s shoulders while the student relaxes and easily goes with the pushes. (This is one way people deal with distractions.) Once the student gets the feel of that, the student then resists the coach’s pushes while the coach steadily increases the force, until the student gets the feel of resisting. (This is another way people typically address distractions.) The instructor then has the student focus on the position of their body, feeling their feet on the floor, their back against the chair, their hands on their thighs, etc. The instructor then gently pushes on the student as before. As the student’s become more focused, they become more solid, (without the use of their muscles) and soon the instructor pushes have little impact. Once a student can Position successfully, they then begin to practice focusing on a goal and moving across the floor in the face of distractions until they can do so easily. We then determine what typically distracts the student; sets her/him off and have them practice as the coach presents these challenges. It is then incumbent upon the student to practice to develop their ability.
Exercise: Owning
Purpose: To develop the capacity to accept responsibility and perceive events as advantageous.
Overview: The greater responsibility one takes for events, the better chance they have affecting the outcome. How we perceive events is the primary determinant of how we will respond to them. Learning to look for the advantages in any circumstance is key for an individual to take responsibility and remain positively engaged.
Procedure: The exercise is an extension of Positioning and begins with the student ‘Positioning’ and breathing. Once the student is doing so, the instructor has the student feel the force of the pushes strengthening their position. As the student’s strength increases the instructor has the student enjoy the distraction of the pushing. Once successful, the student then imagines the distraction of the pushes to be those situations that have distracted them and works to Own them. From the seated position we transition to movement. Finally, we ask the student to explore the advantages in previously perceived negative situations in their lives and repeat the exercise using these.
Exercise: Waiting
Purpose: To develop one’s ability to be patient. To use the consideration of time to one’s advantage.
Overview: Impatience and patience are internal experiences. We become impatient when we consider time to be up. If we are expecting to meet our friend at 6pm, some of us will begin to become impatient right at 6 o’clock. We might begin wonder why hasn’t s/he called? Where are they? We might begin to feel disrespected, put out. After some time we might begin to wonder if they are alright. For others it may be at 6:10 or 6:20. Still for some other’s the process may begin at 5:55. Of course, at 2:00 in the afternoon we experience no impatience relative to our 6:00 appointment. After all, we do not expect our friend for four more hours. To a large degree, our experience of time can be very flexible. The longer we are willing to wait the greater patience we develop. We can learn to develop our ability to extend time. If we know our friend to usually be 30 min late, we will not likely experience impatience at 6:00. If we can become willing to wait for hours, we are much more likely to be patient. What it might it be like if we can become willing to wait forever?
Procedure: Students begin by Positioning themselves and breathing deeply. The instructor, while testing the students’ Position then instructs the students to decide to wait for 5 minutes. When the students can do that, the instructor then has them decide to wait for an hour. Then a day, then a week, a month, a year, a decade, a millennium, and so on, all the while testing their Position.
Exercise: Tai Ji Quan (Professor Leonard Trigg)
Purpose: Physical and mental/emotional relaxation. Further development of focus and concentration.
Overview: For the uninitiated, Tai Chi is moving meditation. How aware and in control of simple movements can you become? In our work we cover some of the basic principles of the discipline and show students how they can apply those principles in their daily lives. The greater awareness and control one can bring to even the simplest movement, (e.g.: raising your hand) the greater peace of mind one will experience.
Procedure: We introduce the opening movements of the Yan (Little) Tai Chi form one at time. (Opening Tai Chi, Raising Hands and Greeting the Universe, Holding the Ball, Parting Wild Horse’s Mane) Once the student can successfully perform these at a beginning level of competence, we work to refine them, focusing on increasingly slower movements with increasingly greater concentration.
Exercise: Meditation, Visualization, Recall
Purpose: Mental/emotional relaxation and control. Further development of focus and concentration.
Overview: Meditation, guided imagery and visualization are simple and applicable sets of tools for the development of calm self-control. We have a variety of exercises our students we present to our students so they can learn to build their capacity.
Procedure: Our chief meditation tool is breathing meditation where the student works to focus solely on their breathing. Visualization begins by having students describe success and visualize themselves achieving those successes. Next we have the student see him/herself in previously perceived negative situations responding and behaving more effectively, as they choose. Recall is another effective tool. The student first decides upon a state they would like to experience and then recalls times they were in that state until they feel the way they would like.
Exercise: Freedom Exercise
Purpose: To create greater awareness of choice.
Overview: Our underlying premise is that one has the capacity to be free to experience anything. We have the capacity to become free to be, do, and have anything. We experience stress when we are not aware of, or believe cannot act upon our freedom in perceived negative situations. Helping a student to become more aware of their capacity for freedom can go a long way towards helping them be more at ease, open-minded, and forward looking.
Procedure: Freedom is a two sided coin. To be functionally free one need be able to choose and not choose something. One is not truly free to be rich unless one is equally free not to be rich. In this exercise, students begin by experiencing their freedom by asking if they can choose to do and not do a simple task (e.g.” picking up a pen). Once that is established, we then move on to having them explore and expand their freedom to experience and not experience events. The next step is to have them explore and expand their freedom regarding specific events. When the student’s capacity has been expanded enough, we apply the exercise to address events in which the student has felt bound in the past. In any given session, we work until the student experiences an expanded state of freedom.
Exercise: Re-Minding: Mnemonic Therapy (James R. Samuels, PhD.)
Purpose: Mental/emotional relaxation and control. Re-associating old triggers into new, healthy responses.
Overview: Triggers, simply put, are associations between stimuli and responses. If a person could change these associations old negative triggers can be associated to new positive responses. Mnemonics (memory training) are based on the creation of powerful images that take precedence in our minds. One can take advantage of mnemonic images to change the associations one has in their mind.
Procedure: We start by teaching the basics of mnemonics: creating a chain of images that promote easy recall. Doing so, students learn how to create mnemonic images. These images are typically cartoon-like exaggerations that promote laughter. We then have students find a trigger, clarify the image of the triggering event, and convert that image into a mnemonic image. We have the student keep exaggerating the image until they are laughing and feel better about the event. With some repetition, this image will take precedence and this new association will take hold.
External Tools
Discussion: The Mechanics of Goals
A. What they are: Images of endpoints in our mind towards which energy is being expended.
We are often not aware of the many of the goals in our mind. (Only some of them were put there by us; many more of them were put there by others.)
B. How they get set: Repetition
C. How our mind operates on goals: Brings to our attention information related to the goals.
D. How they can be oriented and the effect of these orientations:
Positively- reaching towards something we want to be, do, or have. (e.g.: Raise a healthy child, Have a good paying job.) Double negatively- retreating from something we consider negative. (e.g.: Stop smoking, lose weight)
Exercise: Goal-Setting and Planning
Purpose: Motivation, self-discipline, self-control
Overview: Self-control – To what end? Most people need to have an end towards which they are striving in order to make the work to develop themselves worthwhile. Having meaningful goals provides the motivation to take action. Often a person can be seen as depressed as a result of not having goals they , themselves are truly interested in pursuing. Other times, ones goals my be clear and motivating, yet one cannot see a path to achieve their goals. In these cases clear, achievable, step by step plans are required for a person to move forward toward their goals. Typically, anger is the emotional signal we experience when we believe we are not moving forward on our goals. Often the goals we are, in fact, operating on are below our awareness. This can especially be the case when a person does not have clear goals they are pursuing. Other times we have goals but not plans. Goal-setting and planning are skills; and skills can be learned and developed. Having clear goals and plans is the foundation for manifesting self-control.
Procedure: We begin by discussing goals, their relationship to purposes, and the qualities of a strong, motivating goal statement. We then have the student explore goals that are meaningful to them, paying particular attention to level of enthusiasm they express as they consider their options. When they get excited about a prospect, we encourage them to set a goal for that expression. If they get stuck, we suggest the many areas of endeavor for which goals can be pursued. For each goal they set, we then have them develop and outline of a path they can take for its accomplishment, having them consider the confidence they have for accomplishing each step. Where their confidence is low, we have them develop smaller, more manageable steps they are more confident that they will be able to accomplish.
Exercise: WINS
Purpose: Building Self-Esteem and Developing Self-Discipline
Overview: WINS is the foundational tool we use to provide our students the opportunity to develop their self-discipline. The WINS exercise demands our students develop a host of capacities: first and foremost building self-esteem. This exercise also helps in the development of goal setting, planning, and visualization skills. It is incumbent upon instructors to provide a strong motivational component to their presentation of this exercise as many of the clients we serve have little experience exercising in this manner.
Procedure: We introduce WINS once a student has clear goals for themselves. WINS is an acronym for each step of the exercise. W- Wins from the previous day. I- Improvements. N- Next successes. S- Scheduling and State. Students begin by listing the successes they have had over the previous day. (Successes include activities that move them toward their goals, things they have done to contribute to others, accomplishments that they simply feel good about.) They then consider improvements they could have made, looking to see if they made any mistakes and how those could be corrected, as well as how they could have improved on their performance. Next, they list the successes they plan to have during the coming day, paying particular attention to their list of improvements and their goals. After the student has developed their list of Next wins, we have them schedule them; writing down the time they plan to accomplish them. Finally, we have students consider the mental/emotional state they will be in if they are successful at accomplishing all they have set out for themselves and feel that state now. We strongly suggest students do this exercise daily and keep a written record of their accomplishments.
Exercise: 30 Day Practical
Purpose: Self-Discipline
Overview: The 30 Day Practical is a demonstration of an extraordinary capacity for self-discipline. Though many are challenged to attempt a Practical, few accept, and of those that accept the challenge, only a very small percentage of students successfully complete one; the demands are seemingly so great.
Procedure: Successfully completing a Practical involves exercising, reviewing goals, and successfully doing the WINS exercise for 30 days in a row. There is one very important modification to the WINS exercise as it pertains to the 30 Day Practical- in order to successfully complete the Practical, students decide upon 5 Next Wins and accomplish them all each day. Regardless of how many days in a row they completed, if they are not able to accomplish a task they set for themselves, forget to review their goals, or forget to exercise, day one starts tomorrow.
_____________________________
Communication Training 1.0
Exercise: Positioning Applied to Communication
Purpose: To develop one’s ability to remain present while they are engaged in conversation.
Overview: The ability to simply look at, and pay attention to, someone while they are talking is at once one of the simplest, yet one of the most difficult abilities to master. This exercise provides students an opportunity to develop this ability. Some people have difficulty even looking at someone when they talk, often even more so when they have had a long-standing relationship with the person. Most people have difficulty paying full attention to another when that person is talking to them. When another is talking to us, we may be thinking about what we want to talk about, how we will respond, what went on at work, or we simply may be daydreaming. This exercise is one in which students practice placing their attention on another and holding it there.
Procedure: Prerequisite- Minimal competence with Positioning. After students demonstrate competency with Positioning, they turn their chairs to face each other and begin Positioning for each other. Initially, the students simply look at each other without any extraneous movement. They are to remain emotionally calm and physically still. The only movements allowable are normal breathing and blinking. It should be noted at first many students believe this to be a ‘staring contest’ akin to the game most of played in our youth. The exercise is exactly the opposite. Where a key strategy in such contests is to absent ourselves from the engagement (sing songs in our mind, think of something else, etc.), Positioning in Communication requires students to be as present as they can be, then learn how to bring more and more presence to any engagement. As students become stronger, and if time allows, students move on to the next stage of the exercise during which students increase the stress by providing distractions for their partner to focus through.
Exercise: Owning Applied to Communication
Purpose: To develop one’s ability to listen, accept, and acknowledge another’s communication calmly and easily.
Overview: How many times are we talking to someone and do not feel we are being listened to? How often do we see others get into a argument in which both parties just talk over each other without even hearing what the other is saying? Children need to be heard and accepted. Parents need to be heard and accepted. Our significant others need to be heard and accepted. When we do not feel as if we have been heard, it not unusual to repeat ourselves, often with more force, in an attempt to get our message across. If we are still not heard, we may go find another person who will listen as we vent our frustrations at not being heard.
Procedure: Two students Position themselves for each other. (As in the previous exercise.) One student takes the role of ‘Coach’ and the other the role of ‘Student.’ When the student is ready, the coach communicates a very simple and accurate factual statement to the student. (e.g.: “There is a window in this room.” The student listens, accepts, and lets the coach they heard him/her by saying, “OK,” “Good,” “Fine,” or some other response that indicates they have heard the coach. The exercise continues until the student can do so with ease, then the roles are reversed. As the exercise progresses, the students get to practice using inaccurate factual statements, opinions, beliefs, insults, and compliments. Eventually, we address the communications, each student has had particular difficulty accepting and help them develop their ability to Own those.
Exercise: Waiting Applied to Communication
Purpose: To develop one’s ability to calmly and easily persist in getting answers to questions as well as persist in getting children to follow instructions.
Overview: At times people do not respond to the questions we ask . Sometimes they simply are distracted; other times they intentionally evade questions. During times like these it not uncommon for the person asking the question to get frustrated, even angry. The result can be escalating argument which serves neither party. For events such as these it is very useful to be able to calmly and easily stay focused on getting answers. Similarly, when instructing children to do something they do not wish to do, they will often try to engage their parents in a discussion (argument) in an effort to avoid the task. At these times it is imperative that parents remain calm and easily refocus the child on the task at hand.
Procedure: As in the previous exercise, two students sit facing each other, one takes the role of coach, the other the role of student. The student asks the coach a simple question, i.e.: “Do birds fly?” The coach either answers the question or evades the question. If the coach answers the question, the student accepts the answer and acknowledges the coach (Owning) and the cycle repeats. If the coach does not answer the question, the student Owns the coaches response and calmly repeats the question. The student and coach continue until the coach has answered the question. The same process is followed with respect to instructions. The exercise is continued until the student and coach agree that the student’s ability has increased.
Exercise: Reading Applied to Communication
Purpose: To develop one’s ability to attend to, and understand, body language.
Overview: Words are only one avenue through which we communicate. Much information is also passed through our movements, facial expressions, and tone of voice. As children we learn to read our parents’ body language from a very young age. When we wanted something from our parents, we learned to judge when would be the best time to ask. Does dad look upset or happy? Does mom look focused on some project or is she readily available to talk? When we pay attention to body language, not only does the timing of our communication improve, we can increase our insight into the mental/emotional state of those around us. To teach others to successfully Reading body language, we have found it advantageous to simplify the process by having the students make a single, useful determination: is a person ‘reaching’ or ‘retreating.’ People will reach for things they like and retreat from things do not. Being able to identify this simple distinction can provide us with some very useful information and lay the groundwork for further development.
Procedure: As in the previous exercise, two students sit facing each other, one takes the role of coach, the other the role of student. They pick a simple subject, e.g.: food. The coach thinks of time s/he liked food and tells the student, “I eat food,” three times. The student Owns the communication and notices what the coach looks and sounds like when s/he is reaching. The coach then thinks of a time s/he didn’t like food and tells the student , “I eat food,” three times. The student Own’s the communication and notices what the coach looks and sounds like when s/he is retreating. When the difference is clear to the student, the coach then variably thinks of times s/he did or did not like food and tells the student “I eat food.” After each separate communication, the student Owns, determines if the coach was reaching or retreating, and tells the coach. The coach lets the student know if they read accurately. As the exercise progresses roles are reversed and more complex subjects are employed.
Exercise: Communication Clearing
Purpose: First and foremost the purpose is to open up lines of communication between two people. Also, to increase a couple’s understanding of, and trust for, each other.
Overview: Whether it’s a parent and child, a brother and sister, a mother and father, or any two people involved in close relationship, so much goes unsaid. Little, seemingly inconsequential, things like, “I’m sorry I didn’t take out the garbage yesterday,” to more significant communications like, “Dad, I ditched school today.” So much can remain hidden; secrets can fester and guilts can build. Often anger can be result of such unspoken, unresolved issues. The purpose of this exercise is to allow couples build the confidence in each other that will allow them to get everything out on the table in a safe environment.
Procedure: Applying all the previous communication exercises, two people ask each other the following questions:
Is there anything I did that wasn’t OK?
Is there anything I should have done that I didn’t do?
Is there anything you did that wasn’t OK?
Is there anything you should have done that you didn’t do?
The rule guiding this exercise are very simple: The person asking the questions, can only Own. To clear that means, they cannot rebut, refute, argue, roll their eyes, show signs of exasperation, etc. They can only listen, accept, and acknowledge. That means that after every answer they must let the other know they’ve been heard by saying, “OK,” “Good,” “Fine,” or some other response that indicates they have heard their partner. When one partner has answered all four questions, the roles are reversed and the other get his/her turn. The partners keep switching back and forth until all the answers are, “No.” and they look better. With motivated couples this takes several sessions. With some it can take many sessions. Once complete the real issues can be addressed. Once these issues are addressed, couple are encouraged to do this exercise with each other regularly.
Exercise: Relationship Goal Exploration
Purpose: To give the couple the opportunity to begin to develop a clear vision for their relationship.
Overview: The Communication Clearing Exercise helps a couple address their past. This exercise helps them address their future. Having a clear, agreed upon, motivating vision for a relationship is critical if a couple is to make it through the inevitable stressful times. Unfortunately, rarely do couples take the time to develop such a vision. It starts with exploring wants. Such exploration will, most often, bring a couple close together as they come to better understand each other needs and wants. Applying this exercise over time, allows a clarity of vision to arise.
Procedure: Applying all the previous communication exercises, two people ask each other the following questions:
What do you want from the relationship?
What do you want for the relationship?
One partner asks the other these questions five times, then they switch. The couple goes back and forth in this manner for as long as they would like, (Typically 3 -4 times.) The couple continues practicing this exercise until they have come to a mutually agreeable and motivating vision.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________